NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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