This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
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My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize