Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need to sanitize my soul.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
