He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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