You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
