the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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