I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
