people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
