that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
