I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
