i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
pop tarts are not kleenex
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
