also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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