If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
