I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
