wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
