after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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