just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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