He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
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