i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
