I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
