When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
