I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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