I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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