I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
