i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
