Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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