please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
