i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
