Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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