my phone needs a breathalizer
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
