Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
