I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Randomize
