I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
