I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
