woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize