Your face is a jimmy john
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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