Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
