Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
