Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She's the barista slut.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
