Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
