i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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