just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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