I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
