I want to have your abortion
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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