she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
