This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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