the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
