P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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