Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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