apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
