You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
