Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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