she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Everyone says I win the strip club
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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