I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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