the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
