When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
