My liver just broke up with me...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
