My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
