I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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