Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
