Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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