I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
