I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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