Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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