my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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