I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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