If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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