I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
